We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty