Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first