We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Cha-ching is my safe word
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Just chopped 10 cords of wood before breakfast in case you ladies are looking for a he-man type of liar.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.