We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Damn he played himself
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*