we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
