Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”