We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is