Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*