We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
A couple who are silly together stay together.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.