Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

watching gymnastics

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter