we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say