we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany