Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

some Old Testament wisdom

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.