We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
