We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
