Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”