Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.