We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.