Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

That 👊

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back