We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
you’re so productive for your wage
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
