We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen