Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This squirrel eats better than I do

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

I only eat vegetarians.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy