We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
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I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.