We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Jogging
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.