We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
We know he can swim but…
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.