We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Just how popey was the pope today?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Did my cat write this
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra