Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

My work here is done

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job