We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
U talkin 2 me?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please