We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.