Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic