We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’