We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box