We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
one of
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
what does he know…
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants