Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

Cake!!

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Stop it! 😂

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

According to math, I’m broke

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby