Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Voodoo map

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

“you changed” bro i was 15

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.