We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Thursday
![]()
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
![]()