We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
You Might Also Like
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Finished stitching this today 😇
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.