Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

ㅤ

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

😩😩😩

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.