We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Kids: Stay in school.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I would like even faster food.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
