Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.