We have a winner.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m listening
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
incredible google review i just found
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.