Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Proctology is located in A55

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.