We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Not all heroes wear capes.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
my sentiments exactly
