We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*