We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Not with that attitude
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.