Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.