“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
a New Yorker reject, for you
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.