Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

How do I get a job writing these texts

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.