We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.