We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.