We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?