We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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Extremely relatable.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass