We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
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Inside you there are two wolves
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters