Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?