Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

one last job

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed