We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Harsh but fair
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
🤣
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?