We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
You Might Also Like
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
A small tragedy.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.