We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.