We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
i really liked this one
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.