Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Cashiers are always checking me out

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.