We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me