Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice