“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.