We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Who does Amazon think I am?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?