We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion