We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.