Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic