We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You Might Also Like
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.