Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

This trial is so absurd 😭

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down