“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
best first i’ve ever seen
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.