We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me checking my bank balance online.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.