We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy